To Those Nights

And what is there to do, but douse myself with more alcohol?
I don’t know how else to rouse these ashes within me.
People scream “shots!”, over and over
Until I’m crawling around, looking for bullets.
I spilt my dignity somewhere along with my fourteenth tequila;
I’d look for it, but I think I’ve spent too long on my knees tonight already.

People whisper (not so quietly)
“She’s that girl”, as if they’ve never been here,
As if they’ve never had a night of wanting to forget what it means to exist,
Of wanting to smother their feelings with a plastic bag,
Of wanting to rend their nerve endings.
They think between these sweaty bodies I can’t hear them-
I wish I couldn’t.

I see men eyeing my chest, and I pull down my top a little lower.
His hands run up my legs,
I know somewhere deep down that his fingers are too far
But I don’t stop him-
It’s been a while since someone has noticed the shape of my waist.
I give a smile so sweet he wonders how my teeth have not yet decayed;
The air is hot with steamy breaths
And I iron lipstick stains onto his collar.

3AM, my mother thinks I am fast asleep in bed,
But I am still stumbling down highways, wondering how I came to be so aloneΒ alive.
There is only so much time left
Before these lips forget how to smile, forget how to kiss again,
And I am so afraid of having to peel off these sticky clothes,
For this pulsing in my ears to stop, to have to hear my thoughts again,
And oh no I think I can already feel faint stings of regret;
Sobriety is so cold, so silent.

Maybe if I run fast enough, I can still break free from this skin that imprisons me,
Because from where I’m placed, this street doesn’t appear to ever end.
So I tell myself,
Run and run, baby don’t you dare stop,
And I shout to the wind that grapples for my hair-
Try and catch me now.

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23 thoughts on “To Those Nights

  1. pennygadd51 says:

    Oh, this is heart-breaking, Melody. It’s very well written. To douse yourself with alcohol – what a powerful metaphor of immolation. Acknowledging in line 1 that this is an agonisingly self-destructive action. “Of wanting to smother their feelings with a plastic bag” – another of those lethally self-destructive metaphors. “I give a smile so sweet he wonders how my teeth have not yet decayed” – that’s just a brilliant line.
    This is beautiful and so well written. But, Melody, if there’s even a little personal truth in these verses – I hope so much that there isn’t – you should seek help. There’s no need to suffer like this. And you have a massive talent that the world needs.

    Liked by 2 people

    • Heartbeatingwings says:

      Thank you for your amazing comment; it’s truly touching to know that a reader I’ve never met could care this much. I would like to assure you that I am fine – this piece was written to be relatable to those who have experienced moments like these. It was a blend of personal experiences as well as what I’ve seen others around me go through. Once again, I am honestly moved by your concern and your compliments. It means the world to me.
      P.S.: glad you liked the line “I give a smile so sweet he wonders how my teeth have not yet decayed” – it’s a little homage to my life as a dental student πŸ™‚

      Liked by 1 person

      • pennygadd51 says:

        I’m really glad you’re fine! Your poetry shows immense promise, I think. Your metaphors are often startling in their originality and depth. Looking again at the first line. Lesser poets would have drowned in alcohol, or been pickled by it, or sodden with it. You choose ‘doused’, which implies the deliberate soaking in alcohol. Why would one do this?Alcohol is inflammable, so the word conjures up the act of burning, even honour killing, especially as in line 2 you use the word ‘ashes’. It’s precise, dramatic, original.
        I read your work with admiration, even a little awe – and rather a lot of envy! It spurs me on to find a way of improving my own use of metaphor!
        Thank you for your writing!

        Liked by 1 person

      • Heartbeatingwings says:

        Oh, thank you! It’s so wonderful to hear these things – it really inspires me to keep writing. I’m glad you interpreted my metaphors the way they were meant to be understood. It can sometimes take me quite a while to come up with them. Phrases like ‘drowned’ in alcohol definitely come to my mind first but I think there really is a true sense of satisfaction in writing something that’s unique.
        My suggestion would be patience! Many of my poems sit around for weeks to months before the perfect metaphor suddenly hits me. Don’t go searching for it – let it come find you! πŸ™‚

        Liked by 1 person

  2. texasunderconstruction says:

    Outstanding expression. Words like these have the ability to not only relate to people, but they may also change someone’s life choices. It is very obvious that you picture the scene as you write them. I am a very straight forward writer so I don’t use metaphors, but great use of them. When i write short stories i usually use more detail. I can see your future of writing explode into something powerful and passionate. If you ever want to exchange ideas feel free to contact me. Great job ma’am.

    Liked by 1 person

    • Heartbeatingwings says:

      Thank you for your wonderful comment! Yes, this piece was born out of personal experiences and what I’ve seen others around me go through. I hoped that people would be able to relate to it, but of course having it change someone’s life choices (for the better of course) was completely unprecedented and would certainly be a pleasant surprise. Thank you, I will definitely continue to work on my writing πŸ™‚

      Liked by 1 person

  3. Sue says:

    Hi Melody,
    This may sound sooo strange, but I couldn’t help notice that you liked a poem on the site https://mistermisadventure.wordpress.com/ – And I was wondering if you knew him personally? He’s been on wordpress before, but always deletes his sites. The reason I’m asking is your poetry is outstandingly perfect! You write so very,very well, and I thought if you knew him, you two might collaborate on a poem or two…God, I’d pay real money to read you guys collab. His poetry sounds alot like yours, just that its a mans view. Soory this was so long, l love your wrtiting πŸ™‚

    Liked by 1 person

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